I forgot...

...to mention in my last post (so get the fuck off my blog right now if you don't want to know anything about Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith) that Jimmy Smits fucking kicks ass in Revenge of the Sith. He should have been in it way more. I think I have figured out how The Empire deduced he was a rebel though. A distinguished, latino man with Carrie Fisher for a daughter, go figure! It could have been better though if they gave him a light sabre and he fucked up some Storm Troopers and wailed on a futuristic electric guitar before making out with 48 babes instead of fleeing the Jedi Temple like a pussy and leaving the kids to do some damage. Oh yeah, doing damage! It was cool to see Alderan as a planet as opposed to blown up by the Death Star. Still it was only a good movie. Not great.

I got new after shave today, go here to learn more http://www.baldessarini.com

I'm taking Robs suggestion and I am going to write a series of War Stories. I have been wanting to do this for some time, Rob just gave me the impetus to do it. Thanks Rob. I don't know how many I will write, they will most likely all be based during WWII as thats what I know. My apologies go out to all the peace-loving commies among you. I am a proud capitialistic, social-domocratic, conservative, liberal type who believes in the use of reasonable force should the situation warrant it. Yes, thats me. Well not really, but it sounds good. I am far more complicated than that. Well not really I think I am quite simple, just not good at describing myself so I am going to silence myself.

Hmmm a title? MONDAY!

Before you read on please be aware that this post may be a bit of a spoiler if you have not already seen Stars Wars Episode III: Revenge of The Sith (Those Bastards).

I went to see Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith yesterday, actually it was the day before yesterday(Saturday) as this blog is being published in the early hours of Monday. So what did I think? I thought it was good. Not Return of the Jedi good, but compared to Episode I it was a masterpiece. It was so cool to see how The Emperor got all fucked up though, I always thought it was just because he was one evil son bitch.

I didn't think any of the light sabre battles were that fantastic as I knew the outcome of most of them already. I think that was a big problem with this episode, it just ties up loose ends and explains how some shit happens. Don't get me wrong though, I did enjoy it. There were a few little subtle bits that I enjoyed. I also like the way Anakin was seduced to the Dark Side out of a desire to save Padmé which can be seen as selfless, which is what Jedi are all about, but really it's quite selfish as he wanted to save her for himself and how The Emperor told Darth Vader (formerly jedi extraordinaire Anakin Sywalker) that Padmé was dead which totally cut him off from his past but also left the door open for Episodes IV, V and VI. Yeah so it was good but not fantastic. Its important to point out, however, that this movie increased, even more, my desire to own a light sabre.

As an interesting aside Return of the Jedi was originally called Return of the Jedi, yeah no surprise there. BUT a few weeks after production started the studio and Lucas decided to change the name to Revenge of the Jedi as they decided the movie needed a sharper name. It was only a few weeks before release, after all the promo shit had been made, that Lucas decided the Jedi weren't about Revenge and decided it should, after all, be named Return of the Jedi. (And probably also because he knew he couldnt have two Revenge titles in the one saga. George, you legend!)

Yeah so this post is way bigger than I thought it would be. Sorry I haven't been around much lately but I have been recuperating from illness and exams and generally doing nothing of major import as I have not had the energy.

The West Wing.

My exams finished on Wednesday. Oh yeah! The West Wing is on Thursday nights. Oh yeah! I had not been able to watch The West Wing for perhaps three to four weeks due to the time of its broadcast, relatively late in the evening. Oh no! I was gleefully awaiting Thursday the 26th of May when I could, for the first time in weeks, watch an episode as it was broadcast as opposed to a recorded version. Heaven. I could not wait. I forgot. I ended up watching "Where Eagles Dare" instead which is a kick ass movie. Luckily I have The West Wing series linked so it records automatically. I watch the episode tonight and it was FUCKING INCREDIBLE, the democrats fucked the republicans over big time. Oh yeah! Jimmy Smitts is in it at the moment as Matt Santos, a potential democratic presidential nominee and he fucking rocks. If I was a woman or gay, I'd marry the shit out of him. I am really looking foward to seeing Star Wars Episode 3, Revenge of the Sith because I hear Jimmy kicks serious ass in it. Yeah! West The Wing! I love it. Not only that but I had shitloads of coke. That made it even better. Then I played with my sword and polished it up good, my friends little brother goes mental for my sword, plays with it whenever he comes over. But he leaves finger prints all over my sword and the little fucker doesn't clean them up afterward. After I was done polishing it I had to restart my computer and typed in my windows password using my sword. Oh yeah! Now I am pretty tired so I am going to go to bed and do some reading, tonight I am going to be reading more abouut the Battle of the Bulge. Oh yeah!

My last exams.

This is an amalgamated story of my two last exams. Enjoy.

I sat down in my place, an image of perfect zen tranquility. The invigilators were busily and self absorbedly handing out answer books and question papers. The rotund, bitter-faced female invigilator approached my desk with an answer book in hand. I looked up ay her with a beaming smile and greeted her with "What up bitchface? Give me one of those badass red answer books and let me anally rape this exam right fucking now." She looked at me, mouth agape, drool pouring out of her wrinkled old mouth. "Well, I have never seen the like.", she rattled off. "Shut up bitch and just give me my God damn exam so I get on to showing you how a real man deals with shit like this. BRING IT ON!!!". She looked mildly sheepish and placed the answer book on my desk before stalking mumbling something about "societys scum".

I sat at my desk, punching the air and avidly awaiting the moment when the hedonistic head invigilator utters those loaded words "You may begin." I was so busy punching the air and contemplating ways of destroying the people who were laughing at me and degrading my social standing that I missed the head invigilator utter those words and so spent the first ten minutes of the exam punching the air and singing "Eye of the Tiger" to myself. It was only when I heard the wail of Robs exams rape whistle and his boisterous laugh that I was jarred back to reality. I snatched my question paper up from the desk and whipped it open with the disdain of a Parisian talking to Irish tourists. Laughter.

"Cheesus, I can do the shit out of you!", I bellowed across the exam hall. "Silence!", the sour faced skank bitch spat at me. Then it happened, my mind expanded, I achieved absolute, perfect clairty. My brain began firing brain-ink at my answer book and perfectly clear, concise and accurate answers began appearing on its pages. Frenzied laughter burst forth from my very being , people began to shout and throw things at me. My brain began to throb, the speed with which my brain-ink was answering questions increased and within seconds the exam was complete. It was time to turn my attention to the hordes of ass holes currently getting on my case. My mind flashed to my sword, resting in its sheath in my room at home.

Seconds later the sword smashed through one of the many windows lining the exam hall, it landed perfectly in the palm of my hand. The head fucker was making his way to me asking "Boy, what are you doing?", I swung the might sword and sliced his face right off. "Fuck yeah!", I screamed as his face gently floated to the floor, he was already running the room, bouncing off tables and slamming into walls screaming "My face, where did my go? I need it to blow my nose when I have a cold!". More laughter. The rotund, bitter faced invigilator was in a manic state constanyl repeating "ooooooooo it's a terrorist." "Terrorist? TERRORIST? You want some fucking terror? Come over here bitch I'll give you some fucking terror!" I yelled at her. Instantly a defribulator appeared in my hands, with a single thought the paddles flew from my grasp and lodged themselves snuggly in the bitchs ass. I turned on the juice and BAM! with a scream of pure delight she was propelled skyward leaving a gaping hole in the ceiling.

Rain drops began falling through the hole in the ceiling , the room as in utter commotion. The wail of a rape whistle could be heard above everything, people approached me, cursing me and my magnificent powers not to mention my anonying aloofness, fantastic dress sense, marketing prowess and refined odour. My hair knew what to do. It shot out and clutched two plastics, then smashed them together cause make up and condensed hair dye to spew everywhere, people all over the room were beginnning to turn blonde and look like they were blushing. I could feel power cooursing through my veins, I grabbed my sword, the sword of light, and began figthing my way to the door. I slashed and hacked, blood and cartilage flew everywhere, the satisfying crunch of bone was a perfect compliment to the still wailing rape whistle.I was but a scant metre from the door but there were dozens if not thousands of carbon copy motherfuckers in my. "Out of my carbon copy motherfuckers", I demanded. They didn't listen. Mistake. I instinctively raised my hand and felt power surge through my arm. It surged out through my palm and cast the mongol horde of ass holes all the way to Erritrea. Even more laughter. I headbutted the door causing it to implode and create a miniature black hole which I brushed aside with a flick of my eye-lid, it flew off and consumed the last of the cocksuckers causing me trouble by complaing aboout ruining their exams and how they were bound to get low marks. "Fuck off!" I shouted as they were sucked into the unknown.

I strode through the college in seek of an ice-cream. I met one of my lecturers. I stood there looking at him, a pool of blood and human debris collecting around my ankles. He looked down, he looked up "Good exam?". "Yeah, it went alright. I was glad Ansoff and Sponsorship came up."

If you were here, I'd punch you in the face.

I'm fucking sick again. Really sick. What is the fucking deal? I am mega pissed off. I want to bash the shit out of something, just pulverise it into nothingness. Fuck this, Im going to brush to my teeth.

Kabaam!

Yeah, I'm still fucking sick. I am getting better though which is nice, but I still would like to have my nose amputated. I have a fucking hard exam on Monday. It's going to suck ass. I have to day to study for it and like a million pages of notes to study. FUCK! This is so going to bring down my average. At least I dont have that bastard lecturer next year, thats if I get through to next year. I really want to kick this exams ass. Yes,, yes I do.

Update

I have used 180 Kleenex Balsam tissues in 48 hours. How many fucking rainforests is that!?

Fuck, Shit, Ass, Motherfucker. Pissed off.

I am sick! Fuck! My head feels like it's been run over by a fucking massive bus. Shit. This is major balls. Man, Im fucking pissed. All I really want to do is repeat the word "fuck". That would not be constructive though, lets not forget I have cocksucking exams to sit. Yeah fucking wonderful. Tonsilitis and exams. Fanfuckingtastic.

I am going to try and tell you a story. I don't know if I will be able to effectively communicate it via blogger though, I can barely describe it in person so I'm not hopeful. I had an exam today, I.T. Management. It didnt go too badly, there was this one question and I kicked its ass!

Anyway I felt a tickle in my throat last monday evening, by Tuesday I had tonsilitis. Oh yeah. Bastard hard exam on Wednesday and sick the day before. Great. Well I didnt do as much study as I wanted and fell into bed at about mid night after a very relaxing shower. I was asleep by about 12.20 a.m., my alarm was set for a little after 7.30 a.m. so just over 7 hours sleep. Perfect. I woke up at 3.30 a.m. barely able to breath and a throat I wanted to have amputated. Pain, not pleasant. But here is the interesting part that Im not sure I will be able to describe sufficiently.

I was half asleep half wake, so kind of swinging between both but whenever I was asleep I fell back into a dream where I was an American soldier just after D-Day who had been tasked with assaulting a hedge in Normandy (for futher reading I suggest you Google "Bocage"). Anyway whenever I woke up I knew that this dream was my brains way of telling me that I was sick and needed to take action, blow my very stuffed up nose (sorry but it's true!) and partake of some over the counter drugs. But I couldn.t wake up properly to do all this so I would nod off and BAM! Iw ould be back in the dream, then I would wake up and be really frustrated at myself and my brain for being a fucker.

This went on for about half an hour untill at 4 I finally got it together to get up and take action. So first I blew the shit out of my nose, then drank the shit out of some water, then went downstairs to get some Neurofen. I took the Neurofen and went back to bed but by now I was practically convulsing with the cold. I managed to get back to sleep at about 4.30 a.m. and woke up once or twice more thinking how fucking hot I was ( a lá Dane Cooks bit about being set on fire, for those of you familiar with it)

So I get up at 7.30 a.m. feeling slightly better and tell my mom all this who thinks I was running a fever and was probably slightly delirious as I have a bit of a history there. So I took more drugs, ate some breakfast and kicked the living shit out of my I.T. exam.

There you go, thats been the last two days for me. Enjoyable. To those of you I should have been e-mailing I apologise.

Oh and a useless fact in 24 hours I used 90 Kleenex Balsam tissues.

(I think I'm turning Japanese by The Vapors oozes magnificence.)

(My underpants to jean ratio is way off today, damn being sick)

Filler.

19 funny things to do in a bathroom stall

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here,
please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonyous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall
wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say,"Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

MEGA-yawn

Sorry, I haven't posted in some time. Get used to it. My exams started on Friday and go on untill, like, forever. I have financial management tomorrow. It's shit. I don't like it. I am not looking forward to the exam. I might fail. If that happens I will cry. Tears taste nice. I lost a handout and had to get the points that were in the handout from a website. It was then my intention to study the aforementioned points incase they came up in the form of a question tomorrow. I have been distracted by the internet, its siren call has seduced me. I ate too much sugar today. I hate that. I need a haircut. I don't know when I will next be able to get a hair cut. I forgot to do my laundry today. I hope I have clean socks for tomorrow. Not to mention underwear, although they are not as vital as socks. I need to learn more stuff for tomorrow. Kazzam.

Exam Trauma

My exams start tomorrow. FUCK! I have to average 55% across all of them to progress on to fourth year. FUCK! Je suis worried like a bastard.

I want to tell you a story.

I made dinner for myself yesterday. Chicken and potatoes. The potatoes are irrelevant to the story. I had two pieces of chicken breast, coated in spicy breading. I had been studying all day and thought "Damn, I need some fucking brain food. See you little pieces of chicken? I am going to eat the shit out of you and then study my ass off. Oh yes, I am going to eat all of you, little fucker!"

Then the chicked got cheeky and was all like "You dumb bastard, you couldn't eat me if you tried. You're nothing but a finance student! A pitiful finance student. You vegetarian son of a bitch. Come on fucking eatme you pussy! EAT ME!!!!!

I was mildly surprised. Had my brain finally gone all David Lynch on me and freaked out? Or was this piece of sublimely cooked chicked actually talking back to me. Surely not, most chickens dont talk. But then, the second piece started up "Yeah you really do suck, look at you trying to figure what the fuck is going on, you dumb prick. We just might eat you, bitch."

Well my mind was made up. I picked up my fork and BAM! skewered that first pieve of chicken and CHOMP! I bit that motherfucker good. CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP, I ate him good, chicken juice running down my mouth and debris flying ever where. I could hear a slight whimper as I swallowed down the last of that succulent breast.

I looked down upon the second piece "Oh yeah! You're next punk, I am going to eat you like a fat, bullied kid eats cake - with my fingers!", I said to it. "No really, you aint so bad. You ate that other son of a bitch like a pro, I was just following him, he always bosses me around. Please Mr. don't eat me" the breaded motherfuck pleaded with me. I contemplated his request for a moment.

"Fuck it, Im hungry.", I said to the shithead, picked him up and took a massive bite out of him. "Oooooooo yes, you're good" I said between mouthfuls. "I'll fucking give your skinny ass salmonella!", it screamed as I ate it down.

Then I went back to study very full and slightly bloated.

My apologies

I owe you all an apology. I committed a most egregious sin. I let V.E. Day pass without making any mention of it on my blog. I am terribly sorry, I am thoroughly ashamed of myself.

For those of you who may not know V.E. Day is Victory in Europe Day, the day World War II in Europe came to an end.

To mark this occasion, which was in fact yesterday, the 8th of May, I want to share with you three quick little facts about the War in Europe.

1. The first Allied officers to land in France as part of Operation Overlord were in fact two glider pilots whose seats were thrown out of the glider upon impact with the ground. Both were rendered unconscious but fine.
2. The first Allied officer killed in the invasion of Europe was Lt. Den Brotheridge, a platoon leader in D Company, Ox and Bucks Light Infantry, who was killed as part of an operation that secured two bridges in Normandy to prevent the Nazis from moving their tanks up to the beaches and gave the Allied forces a route off the beaches.
3. V.E. Day was not meant to be untill May 9th but the press could not keep a lid on the story and it was leaked. The Russians still celebrate V.E. Day on May 9th.
   

The Study Commando(This is so SHIT)

I peered into the mirror happy with the reflection that greeted me. I was covered in camo face cream, I was clad all in black. Ready for action. I crept out my front door and began the arduous six minute trip to college. I had almost been driven mad by the burden of study and gruelling preparation and memorisation of sample answers. It was time to take matters into my own hands. I was going to terrorise the lecturers who had offered us the least assistance and get from them the answers I needed.

I continued on my journey to college. Darting from car to wall to tree to car to bush. I attempted to ignore the odd looks I was recieving from the people en-route to their 11 a.m. lectures and remain as covert as possible. Emerging from around a bend I behheld the imposing eddifice of my college directly on front of me. There was only one obstacle, the busy thoroughfare that seperated me from the main entrance to the college. I looked frantically for a pedestrain crossing, but I knew there was none nearby. I had only one choice. J-walk. I cautiously approached the thoroughfare, I could hearn the motorists hurling insults at each other and the screams of innocent pedestrians as the motorists swerved to mow them down.

I gritted my teeth and ran into the street. I felt the displaced from a car whizzing behind me whisk over my shoulders. I had made it to the other side safely. My mission could begin in earnest. I catstumbled all the way revolving door and after doing a few laps inside the door gained entry to the college. I had to negotiate the long, wide main corridor of the college without being noticed by any of the faculty. I pounced like a playful leopard from doorway to doorway, stopping frequently to check my camo in the handy compact mirror I had brought with me. It was now I had one of the most important realisations of my life. Military underwear chafes, no more surplus for me. I was almost home free when I bumped into Heather Chippey, the evil overlord of the school of commerece, my department. She looked at me, aghast at my militant appearance. I grabbed her by the throat and threw her through the door of an empty class room. It wasn't difficult, she is only 4'8". She collapsed on the ground mumbling about low exam results. I laughed in her face and told her she held no sway with me. But then all fucking hell broke loose.

Out of her "The management of marketing" book she pulled a small, exquisite blade. She had a weapon, I had my brains. Fuck. She swiped at me, I dove backward crashing into a desk. Ow. I sprang to my feet and dodged to my left as she swiped at me again. As she swiped and I dodged, I let fly with a killer right hook. I caught that bitch right on the jaw and she dropped like a sack of valentia oranges. "Oh yes" I said to myself and strutted from the class room.

I marched upstairs to the commerce faculty lounge and kicked in the cheap plywood door shouting "Hands in the air motherstickers this is a fuck up!" The look of utter confusion on those suit wearing motherfuckers said more than words ever could. I began rampaging around the longe flipping over chairs and tables, shouting "We want chilly-willy, we want chilly-willy, we want chilly-willy". I grabbed two of my least favourite lecturers and smashed their heads together, forcing them to combine into one putrid lecture, then I kicked it in the nuts and kicked in the face when it dropped to the ground. I picked up a coffee pot and drank it all down, then smashed it over Lynne Nuggets head, saying "Die bitch die." As quickly as the rampage had begun it ended. I had forgotten what I had come for and ran away home, pretending I was a Navy Seal killing Iraqi insurgents

By request.

I went to town on Tuesday to carry out some vital tasks. I was on foot and just crossing into the Central Business District when a gentleman approached and asked in a very thick Russian accent "Please Mr. where is the Tesco shopping?" I surveyed him from head to foot. He was wearing a red fleece sweater, this confirmed my intial suspicion, this outwardly pleasant person was a dirty, red commie bastard. I locked eyes with him and noticed him flinch ever so slightly. "Fuck you, Boris!" I shouted at him, quickly followed by "I have some badass J-walking to do motherfucker." With that I bounded across the street as the light turned green. Cars honked, motorists yelled obscenities, pedestrians cheered me on.

I made it safely to the otherside and jumped for joy at having gotten away with yet another serious crime. My day was not over yet though, I still had what felt like an unsatisfiable desire to J-walk my ass off. I quickly dashed to next crossing, the green-man was signing his little song and flashing like a fucker. Dissapointment. It felt like an eternity before the red man appeared, benevolent and generouos. I almost shit my well fitting pants I was so happy. I could hear tires beginning to roll and engines revving. I looked to the heavens, closed my eyes and leaped into the street, car horns blazing and yet more obscenities being hurled at me. I guffawed at the motorists puny attempts to stop me. I noticed a gorgeous, black, BMW 5 series barrelling down on me. I knew I didnt have enough time to reach the otherside.

I bent my legs and propelled myself upward and came hurtling down behind the BMW, I raced to the safety of the sidewalk before another motherfucker tried to end my legendary existence.I commenced strutting. I strutted my legs off untill I reached the next busy intersection. I looked around for a pedestrian crossing, it was at the other end of the street. Perfect. I walked out on the road, forcing one motherfucker in a mini to stop and let me cross, I got to the middle of the road, the fuckers on this side weren't as impressionable as the other shitbeasts. I couldn't back them down an inch, so I did what any hardened, badass criminal would do. I walked out into the stream of traffic. I focused solely on the opposite sidewalk, I could hear the squeel of brakes and the shattering crunch of metal on metal. I strode on, oblivious to the carnage being wrought around me. I set foot on the side walk and turned to look on the street. It was a warzone of mangled cars, dead babies, overturned buses and rampaging hobos. I smiled, a heartfelt genuine smile. Then disaster struck.

A hand clamped over my shoulder and spun me around, I was face to stomach with an 8 foot tall cop. "Officer, is there a problem?", I managed to croke out. "Now you listen here boy, you know damn proper theres a problem, you done caused all them there automobiles to be blowed up and all them perdy little babies to be samitch meat." It was clear I was dealing with brawn and not brains here. My course of action appeared to me as clearly as a mountain brooke on the first spring morning of the year.

"Yes, yes quite a tragedy wasn't it, my good boy?", I replied with and recieving a dull "yessum" in response. "Well I hate to add insult to injury but I'm afraid in your haste to apprehend me you have indeed stood in a rather large deposit of canine fecal matter." I could tell by the blank, hollow expression I was witnessing that he had not quite grasped my point. I pointed to his boots, which were very resemblant of clown shoes. A string of obscentities and complimenting phrases escaped his monsterous lips. I was only able to make out "...ain't got no damn tissues."

I saw my chance and jumped at it. I grabbed a mangled bumper from the ground and smashed it against the cops head. "Owwy", he said as he began to rise up to the his full 8 feet. Fuck! I struck him again, this only made him madder. Double fuck.

Not since Rockys fight for freedom against the cylons has a story seemed as bleak as this. But then a miracle took place. Mr. T came dashing to my rescue, shouting "I pity the 8 foot tall fool who don't appreciate a good J-walk." Mr T. tackled the 8 foot cop and wrestled him to the ground, scraping and biting all the way. I cheered him on. Well I cheered him on for a moment before making a hasty escape to buy the much needed moisturiser I had come to town for. I mean come on lets geat real, Mr. T is old, fat and even more bald now. There was no way he was going to hold out against an 8 foot cop for much longer.

I j-walked all the way home singing eye of the tiger and humming the A-Team theme.

Diplomacy - Ian style.

I read an article recently about the reasons behind the failure and collapse of the League of the Nations and I found it all really quite interesting. I won't go into it here as it is quite an involved topic but you can learn more yourself here: League of Nations

Anyway after reading and processing the information in the article I got to thinking that it is about time for a new form of diplomacy, "fuck you!" dimplomacy. It is quite a simple idea really, but one which I feel could open new vistas for the relations between the earths many and varied states.

Let me elaborate. If, for example, a somewhat war mongering president is arguing a case for invading, lets say, Iraq but you were against the invasion. You would simply stand up, make and keep eye contact with said president, point at him and clearly and confidently say "Fuck you, Mr. President!" Then return to your seat and watch as the president crumbles at the power and majesty of your words.

I believe this diplomatic technique could have averted so many of the twentieth centurys international misunderstandings. Such as the cuban missile crisis. If Adlai E. Stevenson II, the U.S. ambassador to the U.N. had just stood up in the General Assembly, pointed at the commie ambassador and said "Fuck you, Mr. Pinko" those thirteen days of near nuclear catastrophe could have been prevented.

Also I feel if this technique had been instituted earlier, as in before the collapse of the League of Nations, we could have had a very different twentieth century. One of the major failings of the League was its inability to prevent the Italian invasion of Abyssinia (Modern day Ethiopia). Howerver, I feel that if one member of the council had stood toe to toe with Mussolini and said "Fuck you, Mussolini. Fuck you, you fat Italian fuck. Fuck you, Mario." He would have seen that he couldnt bully the League and would not have continued with the invasion of Abyssinia. Also if the same stance had been taken with Germany and Japan I have no doubt but that WWII could have been averted also. But perhaps it is best that things happened as they did because I am a huge WWII buff and without it I would be even more boring than I already am. Well there you have it, my formula for democratic revolution. Fuck you.

Oh and if you really want to add meaning to this new technique the next you are involved in a diplomatic mission try using: "Fuck you, you motherfucker!" It's a personal favorite.

Yawn

Je suis fucking shattered. I am off to bed. I am going to post something in the morning/afterrnoon/evening. This upcoming post could potentially revolutionize the world as we know it. Or it could be utter shit. Good night folks.

My List of cool inventions.

Sorry guys, I had no ideas for what to post but felt strongly compelled to post something tonight. Then after reading a few of the comments on here I had a brainwave . "Make a list of my favorite inventions! Yeah, great idea!" Now that I am coming to do it, I'm not so sure. It might be shit but here goes:

1. That chair Stephen Hawking has (especially the model that appeared in a Simpsons episode).
   
2. Magnum P.I.
3. The DeLorean
4. Swords, actually most forms of weaponry. Its sexy.
5. Toothpaste and dental floss.
6. Porsche 911's
7. Blogger
8. Deoderant
9. ATM & Credit Cards
10. The Space Shuttle
11. Erectile dysfunction treatments, not that I need anything like that. I just think its good.
12. The West Wing
13. Bridges
14. Air craft.
15. DVD's
16. Spray Cheese
17. The League of Nations and the U.N.
    

I have made a decision.

I think everything should be accompanied by sound effects and that everyone should have their own theme music. This is a hard post to write as I find I cannot adequately describe/spell sound effects. Let me try, I think whenever one abruptly turns around, there should be a squeek/screech noise, like running shoes on a wooden floor. Whenever someone turns there head, quickly and meaningfully, there should be either a bang of a drum or a swishing noise. Also when someone points, for emphasis or the like, there should be the cracking of a whip. Whenever someone gets an idea, we should all be able to hear the sound of a fluorescent light coming on.

As for theme music, that would be personal and optional. I think I would have a playlist of various themes. They would include:

1. Eye of the tiger by Survivor
2. Sexy Boy by Air (Just to boost my self confidence and make everyone else think I was a conceited prick)
3. Two tickets to paradise by Eddie Money
4. Fuck her gently by Tenacious D (Its just so damned informative!)

I think this was a shit post sorry. If you want something really good go here http://www.johnandpaul.blogspot.com and read the fighting for freedom post, actually just go there and read anything, everything on there kicks some amount of ass.