My last exams.
This is an amalgamated story of my two last exams. Enjoy.
I sat down in my place, an image of perfect zen tranquility. The invigilators were busily and self absorbedly handing out answer books and question papers. The rotund, bitter-faced female invigilator approached my desk with an answer book in hand. I looked up ay her with a beaming smile and greeted her with "What up bitchface? Give me one of those badass red answer books and let me anally rape this exam right fucking now." She looked at me, mouth agape, drool pouring out of her wrinkled old mouth. "Well, I have never seen the like.", she rattled off. "Shut up bitch and just give me my God damn exam so I get on to showing you how a real man deals with shit like this. BRING IT ON!!!". She looked mildly sheepish and placed the answer book on my desk before stalking mumbling something about "societys scum".
I sat at my desk, punching the air and avidly awaiting the moment when the hedonistic head invigilator utters those loaded words "You may begin." I was so busy punching the air and contemplating ways of destroying the people who were laughing at me and degrading my social standing that I missed the head invigilator utter those words and so spent the first ten minutes of the exam punching the air and singing "Eye of the Tiger" to myself. It was only when I heard the wail of Robs exams rape whistle and his boisterous laugh that I was jarred back to reality. I snatched my question paper up from the desk and whipped it open with the disdain of a Parisian talking to Irish tourists. Laughter.
"Cheesus, I can do the shit out of you!", I bellowed across the exam hall. "Silence!", the sour faced skank bitch spat at me. Then it happened, my mind expanded, I achieved absolute, perfect clairty. My brain began firing brain-ink at my answer book and perfectly clear, concise and accurate answers began appearing on its pages. Frenzied laughter burst forth from my very being , people began to shout and throw things at me. My brain began to throb, the speed with which my brain-ink was answering questions increased and within seconds the exam was complete. It was time to turn my attention to the hordes of ass holes currently getting on my case. My mind flashed to my sword, resting in its sheath in my room at home.
Seconds later the sword smashed through one of the many windows lining the exam hall, it landed perfectly in the palm of my hand. The head fucker was making his way to me asking "Boy, what are you doing?", I swung the might sword and sliced his face right off. "Fuck yeah!", I screamed as his face gently floated to the floor, he was already running the room, bouncing off tables and slamming into walls screaming "My face, where did my go? I need it to blow my nose when I have a cold!". More laughter. The rotund, bitter faced invigilator was in a manic state constanyl repeating "ooooooooo it's a terrorist." "Terrorist? TERRORIST? You want some fucking terror? Come over here bitch I'll give you some fucking terror!" I yelled at her. Instantly a defribulator appeared in my hands, with a single thought the paddles flew from my grasp and lodged themselves snuggly in the bitchs ass. I turned on the juice and BAM! with a scream of pure delight she was propelled skyward leaving a gaping hole in the ceiling.
Rain drops began falling through the hole in the ceiling , the room as in utter commotion. The wail of a rape whistle could be heard above everything, people approached me, cursing me and my magnificent powers not to mention my anonying aloofness, fantastic dress sense, marketing prowess and refined odour. My hair knew what to do. It shot out and clutched two plastics, then smashed them together cause make up and condensed hair dye to spew everywhere, people all over the room were beginnning to turn blonde and look like they were blushing. I could feel power cooursing through my veins, I grabbed my sword, the sword of light, and began figthing my way to the door. I slashed and hacked, blood and cartilage flew everywhere, the satisfying crunch of bone was a perfect compliment to the still wailing rape whistle.I was but a scant metre from the door but there were dozens if not thousands of carbon copy motherfuckers in my. "Out of my carbon copy motherfuckers", I demanded. They didn't listen. Mistake. I instinctively raised my hand and felt power surge through my arm. It surged out through my palm and cast the mongol horde of ass holes all the way to Erritrea. Even more laughter. I headbutted the door causing it to implode and create a miniature black hole which I brushed aside with a flick of my eye-lid, it flew off and consumed the last of the cocksuckers causing me trouble by complaing aboout ruining their exams and how they were bound to get low marks. "Fuck off!" I shouted as they were sucked into the unknown.
I strode through the college in seek of an ice-cream. I met one of my lecturers. I stood there looking at him, a pool of blood and human debris collecting around my ankles. He looked down, he looked up "Good exam?". "Yeah, it went alright. I was glad Ansoff and Sponsorship came up."
I sat down in my place, an image of perfect zen tranquility. The invigilators were busily and self absorbedly handing out answer books and question papers. The rotund, bitter-faced female invigilator approached my desk with an answer book in hand. I looked up ay her with a beaming smile and greeted her with "What up bitchface? Give me one of those badass red answer books and let me anally rape this exam right fucking now." She looked at me, mouth agape, drool pouring out of her wrinkled old mouth. "Well, I have never seen the like.", she rattled off. "Shut up bitch and just give me my God damn exam so I get on to showing you how a real man deals with shit like this. BRING IT ON!!!". She looked mildly sheepish and placed the answer book on my desk before stalking mumbling something about "societys scum".
I sat at my desk, punching the air and avidly awaiting the moment when the hedonistic head invigilator utters those loaded words "You may begin." I was so busy punching the air and contemplating ways of destroying the people who were laughing at me and degrading my social standing that I missed the head invigilator utter those words and so spent the first ten minutes of the exam punching the air and singing "Eye of the Tiger" to myself. It was only when I heard the wail of Robs exams rape whistle and his boisterous laugh that I was jarred back to reality. I snatched my question paper up from the desk and whipped it open with the disdain of a Parisian talking to Irish tourists. Laughter.
"Cheesus, I can do the shit out of you!", I bellowed across the exam hall. "Silence!", the sour faced skank bitch spat at me. Then it happened, my mind expanded, I achieved absolute, perfect clairty. My brain began firing brain-ink at my answer book and perfectly clear, concise and accurate answers began appearing on its pages. Frenzied laughter burst forth from my very being , people began to shout and throw things at me. My brain began to throb, the speed with which my brain-ink was answering questions increased and within seconds the exam was complete. It was time to turn my attention to the hordes of ass holes currently getting on my case. My mind flashed to my sword, resting in its sheath in my room at home.
Seconds later the sword smashed through one of the many windows lining the exam hall, it landed perfectly in the palm of my hand. The head fucker was making his way to me asking "Boy, what are you doing?", I swung the might sword and sliced his face right off. "Fuck yeah!", I screamed as his face gently floated to the floor, he was already running the room, bouncing off tables and slamming into walls screaming "My face, where did my go? I need it to blow my nose when I have a cold!". More laughter. The rotund, bitter faced invigilator was in a manic state constanyl repeating "ooooooooo it's a terrorist." "Terrorist? TERRORIST? You want some fucking terror? Come over here bitch I'll give you some fucking terror!" I yelled at her. Instantly a defribulator appeared in my hands, with a single thought the paddles flew from my grasp and lodged themselves snuggly in the bitchs ass. I turned on the juice and BAM! with a scream of pure delight she was propelled skyward leaving a gaping hole in the ceiling.
Rain drops began falling through the hole in the ceiling , the room as in utter commotion. The wail of a rape whistle could be heard above everything, people approached me, cursing me and my magnificent powers not to mention my anonying aloofness, fantastic dress sense, marketing prowess and refined odour. My hair knew what to do. It shot out and clutched two plastics, then smashed them together cause make up and condensed hair dye to spew everywhere, people all over the room were beginnning to turn blonde and look like they were blushing. I could feel power cooursing through my veins, I grabbed my sword, the sword of light, and began figthing my way to the door. I slashed and hacked, blood and cartilage flew everywhere, the satisfying crunch of bone was a perfect compliment to the still wailing rape whistle.I was but a scant metre from the door but there were dozens if not thousands of carbon copy motherfuckers in my. "Out of my carbon copy motherfuckers", I demanded. They didn't listen. Mistake. I instinctively raised my hand and felt power surge through my arm. It surged out through my palm and cast the mongol horde of ass holes all the way to Erritrea. Even more laughter. I headbutted the door causing it to implode and create a miniature black hole which I brushed aside with a flick of my eye-lid, it flew off and consumed the last of the cocksuckers causing me trouble by complaing aboout ruining their exams and how they were bound to get low marks. "Fuck off!" I shouted as they were sucked into the unknown.
I strode through the college in seek of an ice-cream. I met one of my lecturers. I stood there looking at him, a pool of blood and human debris collecting around my ankles. He looked down, he looked up "Good exam?". "Yeah, it went alright. I was glad Ansoff and Sponsorship came up."
posted by Ian at 11:42 p.m.
3 Comments:
Oh Yeah... OH YEAH.
Man, I was listening to a spanish song called Malaguena from Salerosa Chingon. It's on the Kill Bill 2 S/T but it complimented your accurate desvription of the exams perfectly. Kick ass.
congrats
Shit, if only my exams had been a bit more like that...
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