By request.
I went to town on Tuesday to carry out some vital tasks. I was on foot and just crossing into the Central Business District when a gentleman approached and asked in a very thick Russian accent "Please Mr. where is the Tesco shopping?" I surveyed him from head to foot. He was wearing a red fleece sweater, this confirmed my intial suspicion, this outwardly pleasant person was a dirty, red commie bastard. I locked eyes with him and noticed him flinch ever so slightly. "Fuck you, Boris!" I shouted at him, quickly followed by "I have some badass J-walking to do motherfucker." With that I bounded across the street as the light turned green. Cars honked, motorists yelled obscenities, pedestrians cheered me on.
I made it safely to the otherside and jumped for joy at having gotten away with yet another serious crime. My day was not over yet though, I still had what felt like an unsatisfiable desire to J-walk my ass off. I quickly dashed to next crossing, the green-man was signing his little song and flashing like a fucker. Dissapointment. It felt like an eternity before the red man appeared, benevolent and generouos. I almost shit my well fitting pants I was so happy. I could hear tires beginning to roll and engines revving. I looked to the heavens, closed my eyes and leaped into the street, car horns blazing and yet more obscenities being hurled at me. I guffawed at the motorists puny attempts to stop me. I noticed a gorgeous, black, BMW 5 series barrelling down on me. I knew I didnt have enough time to reach the otherside.
I bent my legs and propelled myself upward and came hurtling down behind the BMW, I raced to the safety of the sidewalk before another motherfucker tried to end my legendary existence.I commenced strutting. I strutted my legs off untill I reached the next busy intersection. I looked around for a pedestrian crossing, it was at the other end of the street. Perfect. I walked out on the road, forcing one motherfucker in a mini to stop and let me cross, I got to the middle of the road, the fuckers on this side weren't as impressionable as the other shitbeasts. I couldn't back them down an inch, so I did what any hardened, badass criminal would do. I walked out into the stream of traffic. I focused solely on the opposite sidewalk, I could hear the squeel of brakes and the shattering crunch of metal on metal. I strode on, oblivious to the carnage being wrought around me. I set foot on the side walk and turned to look on the street. It was a warzone of mangled cars, dead babies, overturned buses and rampaging hobos. I smiled, a heartfelt genuine smile. Then disaster struck.
A hand clamped over my shoulder and spun me around, I was face to stomach with an 8 foot tall cop. "Officer, is there a problem?", I managed to croke out. "Now you listen here boy, you know damn proper theres a problem, you done caused all them there automobiles to be blowed up and all them perdy little babies to be samitch meat." It was clear I was dealing with brawn and not brains here. My course of action appeared to me as clearly as a mountain brooke on the first spring morning of the year.
"Yes, yes quite a tragedy wasn't it, my good boy?", I replied with and recieving a dull "yessum" in response. "Well I hate to add insult to injury but I'm afraid in your haste to apprehend me you have indeed stood in a rather large deposit of canine fecal matter." I could tell by the blank, hollow expression I was witnessing that he had not quite grasped my point. I pointed to his boots, which were very resemblant of clown shoes. A string of obscentities and complimenting phrases escaped his monsterous lips. I was only able to make out "...ain't got no damn tissues."
I saw my chance and jumped at it. I grabbed a mangled bumper from the ground and smashed it against the cops head. "Owwy", he said as he began to rise up to the his full 8 feet. Fuck! I struck him again, this only made him madder. Double fuck.
Not since Rockys fight for freedom against the cylons has a story seemed as bleak as this. But then a miracle took place. Mr. T came dashing to my rescue, shouting "I pity the 8 foot tall fool who don't appreciate a good J-walk." Mr T. tackled the 8 foot cop and wrestled him to the ground, scraping and biting all the way. I cheered him on. Well I cheered him on for a moment before making a hasty escape to buy the much needed moisturiser I had come to town for. I mean come on lets geat real, Mr. T is old, fat and even more bald now. There was no way he was going to hold out against an 8 foot cop for much longer.
I j-walked all the way home singing eye of the tiger and humming the A-Team theme.
I made it safely to the otherside and jumped for joy at having gotten away with yet another serious crime. My day was not over yet though, I still had what felt like an unsatisfiable desire to J-walk my ass off. I quickly dashed to next crossing, the green-man was signing his little song and flashing like a fucker. Dissapointment. It felt like an eternity before the red man appeared, benevolent and generouos. I almost shit my well fitting pants I was so happy. I could hear tires beginning to roll and engines revving. I looked to the heavens, closed my eyes and leaped into the street, car horns blazing and yet more obscenities being hurled at me. I guffawed at the motorists puny attempts to stop me. I noticed a gorgeous, black, BMW 5 series barrelling down on me. I knew I didnt have enough time to reach the otherside.
I bent my legs and propelled myself upward and came hurtling down behind the BMW, I raced to the safety of the sidewalk before another motherfucker tried to end my legendary existence.I commenced strutting. I strutted my legs off untill I reached the next busy intersection. I looked around for a pedestrian crossing, it was at the other end of the street. Perfect. I walked out on the road, forcing one motherfucker in a mini to stop and let me cross, I got to the middle of the road, the fuckers on this side weren't as impressionable as the other shitbeasts. I couldn't back them down an inch, so I did what any hardened, badass criminal would do. I walked out into the stream of traffic. I focused solely on the opposite sidewalk, I could hear the squeel of brakes and the shattering crunch of metal on metal. I strode on, oblivious to the carnage being wrought around me. I set foot on the side walk and turned to look on the street. It was a warzone of mangled cars, dead babies, overturned buses and rampaging hobos. I smiled, a heartfelt genuine smile. Then disaster struck.
A hand clamped over my shoulder and spun me around, I was face to stomach with an 8 foot tall cop. "Officer, is there a problem?", I managed to croke out. "Now you listen here boy, you know damn proper theres a problem, you done caused all them there automobiles to be blowed up and all them perdy little babies to be samitch meat." It was clear I was dealing with brawn and not brains here. My course of action appeared to me as clearly as a mountain brooke on the first spring morning of the year.
"Yes, yes quite a tragedy wasn't it, my good boy?", I replied with and recieving a dull "yessum" in response. "Well I hate to add insult to injury but I'm afraid in your haste to apprehend me you have indeed stood in a rather large deposit of canine fecal matter." I could tell by the blank, hollow expression I was witnessing that he had not quite grasped my point. I pointed to his boots, which were very resemblant of clown shoes. A string of obscentities and complimenting phrases escaped his monsterous lips. I was only able to make out "...ain't got no damn tissues."
I saw my chance and jumped at it. I grabbed a mangled bumper from the ground and smashed it against the cops head. "Owwy", he said as he began to rise up to the his full 8 feet. Fuck! I struck him again, this only made him madder. Double fuck.
Not since Rockys fight for freedom against the cylons has a story seemed as bleak as this. But then a miracle took place. Mr. T came dashing to my rescue, shouting "I pity the 8 foot tall fool who don't appreciate a good J-walk." Mr T. tackled the 8 foot cop and wrestled him to the ground, scraping and biting all the way. I cheered him on. Well I cheered him on for a moment before making a hasty escape to buy the much needed moisturiser I had come to town for. I mean come on lets geat real, Mr. T is old, fat and even more bald now. There was no way he was going to hold out against an 8 foot cop for much longer.
I j-walked all the way home singing eye of the tiger and humming the A-Team theme.
posted by Ian at 5:53 p.m.
4 Comments:
I'm screamning and creaming like a thousand Elvis fan girls. Keep strutting you sexy J walking beast.
*wipes drool off the monitor*
I echo her sentiments.
"Now you listen here boy, you know damn proper theres a problem, you done caused all them there automobiles to be blowed up and all them perdy little babies to be samitch meat."
Greatest line ever. It'll enter my daily conversations if it's the last thing I do!
Just think:
"So *insert my name here*, how did you find the exam?" - professor
"Well, you know damn proper theres a problem, you done caused all them there automobiles to be blowed up and all them perdy little babies to be samitch meat." - Dunja
It could work...
HAHAHA.
I love how I tried to be all anonymous at first... and then totally failed at the end.
I suck.
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