Exam Trauma
My exams start tomorrow. FUCK! I have to average 55% across all of them to progress on to fourth year. FUCK! Je suis worried like a bastard.
I want to tell you a story.
I made dinner for myself yesterday. Chicken and potatoes. The potatoes are irrelevant to the story. I had two pieces of chicken breast, coated in spicy breading. I had been studying all day and thought "Damn, I need some fucking brain food. See you little pieces of chicken? I am going to eat the shit out of you and then study my ass off. Oh yes, I am going to eat all of you, little fucker!"
Then the chicked got cheeky and was all like "You dumb bastard, you couldn't eat me if you tried. You're nothing but a finance student! A pitiful finance student. You vegetarian son of a bitch. Come on fucking eatme you pussy! EAT ME!!!!!
I was mildly surprised. Had my brain finally gone all David Lynch on me and freaked out? Or was this piece of sublimely cooked chicked actually talking back to me. Surely not, most chickens dont talk. But then, the second piece started up "Yeah you really do suck, look at you trying to figure what the fuck is going on, you dumb prick. We just might eat you, bitch."
Well my mind was made up. I picked up my fork and BAM! skewered that first pieve of chicken and CHOMP! I bit that motherfucker good. CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP, I ate him good, chicken juice running down my mouth and debris flying ever where. I could hear a slight whimper as I swallowed down the last of that succulent breast.
I looked down upon the second piece "Oh yeah! You're next punk, I am going to eat you like a fat, bullied kid eats cake - with my fingers!", I said to it. "No really, you aint so bad. You ate that other son of a bitch like a pro, I was just following him, he always bosses me around. Please Mr. don't eat me" the breaded motherfuck pleaded with me. I contemplated his request for a moment.
"Fuck it, Im hungry.", I said to the shithead, picked him up and took a massive bite out of him. "Oooooooo yes, you're good" I said between mouthfuls. "I'll fucking give your skinny ass salmonella!", it screamed as I ate it down.
Then I went back to study very full and slightly bloated.
I want to tell you a story.
I made dinner for myself yesterday. Chicken and potatoes. The potatoes are irrelevant to the story. I had two pieces of chicken breast, coated in spicy breading. I had been studying all day and thought "Damn, I need some fucking brain food. See you little pieces of chicken? I am going to eat the shit out of you and then study my ass off. Oh yes, I am going to eat all of you, little fucker!"
Then the chicked got cheeky and was all like "You dumb bastard, you couldn't eat me if you tried. You're nothing but a finance student! A pitiful finance student. You vegetarian son of a bitch. Come on fucking eatme you pussy! EAT ME!!!!!
I was mildly surprised. Had my brain finally gone all David Lynch on me and freaked out? Or was this piece of sublimely cooked chicked actually talking back to me. Surely not, most chickens dont talk. But then, the second piece started up "Yeah you really do suck, look at you trying to figure what the fuck is going on, you dumb prick. We just might eat you, bitch."
Well my mind was made up. I picked up my fork and BAM! skewered that first pieve of chicken and CHOMP! I bit that motherfucker good. CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP, I ate him good, chicken juice running down my mouth and debris flying ever where. I could hear a slight whimper as I swallowed down the last of that succulent breast.
I looked down upon the second piece "Oh yeah! You're next punk, I am going to eat you like a fat, bullied kid eats cake - with my fingers!", I said to it. "No really, you aint so bad. You ate that other son of a bitch like a pro, I was just following him, he always bosses me around. Please Mr. don't eat me" the breaded motherfuck pleaded with me. I contemplated his request for a moment.
"Fuck it, Im hungry.", I said to the shithead, picked him up and took a massive bite out of him. "Oooooooo yes, you're good" I said between mouthfuls. "I'll fucking give your skinny ass salmonella!", it screamed as I ate it down.
Then I went back to study very full and slightly bloated.
posted by Ian at 9:34 p.m.
8 Comments:
I need to stop reading your blog. Everytime I read it I end up swooning
this time I swooned over your David Lych reference and the second time over the "I'll fucking give your skinny ass salmonella!" jesus that was good, so good in fact I had urges to lick you all over but then I might get salmonella so forget that idea.
This is the best dinner-person dialogue for a long time.
Yea, this kicked ASS.
Laughed my way to the bank.
Fuck you motherfucker. I'll rip your face off.
Fuck you chicken! Fuck chickens. I'll eat you like I ate your mother. WITH SALT!
Noooo, not salt!!!
Erm, fuck you Ian, I'll have you choke on me.
Ian I can help you choke that chicken of yours.
Please, be my guest. I could use some assistance.
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