Based on true events.

Dark, wet, cold and windy. The perfect night for a funeral. I strode purposefully into the funeral home, my mind set on accomplishing my mission. The heat and smell of embalmed corpse was overpowering but I struggled on, feeling a knot of tension build in my stomach. Maybe it was just that sea-food fajita I'd had for lunch. Tasty but rank with risk.

I followed the hum of mornful weeping and dull commiseration and found myself swamped by a herd of mentally sub-normal individuals clad all in black and reeking of low proced after-shave. My eyes began to sting and water. I scoured the room with my eyes, searching for my prize. I found it. There, standing next to me. The coffin. "Fucking Brillaroo!", I exclaimed. Many of the androgynous mourners threw an angered look in my direction. I pointed at each one with an out-stretched index finger, "fuck you all, mothersuckers."

I withdrew a lenght of led pipe from my over-sized coat and approached the coffin. Elation washed over me. Salvation was nigh. I lifted the pipe over my head and proceeded to clobber the shit out of the corpse. "hahahahaha, die more zombie bitch!"

Then it happened. 7 rather large gentlemen all leapt on me. Pain. I began to fight back against the biting and invasive groping. "Not the ass, you fuckers!" I bellowed as I began to fight back. I grabbed one of the fuckers with my teeth and began to spin around, systematically knocking every one of the other 6 assailants into orbit, I spat the seventh and kicked him in the goolies, "Don't mess with the best 'cause the best don't care about making orphans out of your ugly children", I told him.

The rest of the wretched mourners backed off but still looked at with quizzical, uninformed faces. I retrieved my pipe from the corner of the room and went back to bashing in that bride of satans face. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to behold an elderly gentleman looking at me. He was in his early 60's, balding and quite rotund. He spoke with the high-pitched whine of a mole. "What are you doing?" He asked of me. I sighed. Fucking idiots.

I looked at him, letting out another pained, exasperated sigh. "She's a zombie you dullard, you know one of the walking undead? Here to eat our brains and impregnate our impressionable teens. Do you watch TV"

He looked trouble. "But she hasn't moved since you began your merciless assault on her, are you sure she's a zombie?" Another sigh. "I fucking attacked her, didn't I? I don't make mistakes. Here, I'll prove it." I rolled the corpse over on its stomach and jammed the pipe right up its butt-hole. Immediately the cunning shithead jumped to life and began eating the brains of the nearest mourner. "YES! I exclaimed. "Fun for Ian". I wielded my pipe and flaked that birch right in the elbow, the super secret zombie weak point. ZAP! It was gone. "Thats what you get! Jurassic Park!" I turned and departed in search of a taco and a fudge brownie.

Fin

(This is pretty fucking bad. I apologise. School is being a pain in the butt-hole.)