Oh shit.

I am totally fucking freaked out tonight. Major fucking paranoia attack going on. We have this security light outside our door with an IR sensor that flicks on whenever someone is coming to the house. It's been scaring the shit out of me. Whenever I am getting ready to go the bed and locking up and shit, it flicks on. I'll be walking to the kitchen and BAM! it flicks on behind me and floods the hall and dining room in eerie security-light light. I don't like it. Tonight I was going to the kitchen and it had been on and flicked off as I walked into the hall. I froze for a few seconds then moved on. As I was returning from the kitchen the fucker flicked on just as I entered the hall. I just stode there until it turned waiting for some burglar/rapist/hillbilly/cannibal/german porn star/long haired kiddie fiddler to burst in and put me into a PG13 situation. The crazy thing is the light has been doing this to me for fucking months! Since, probably, June or July. Fuck. This is almost as bad as being in college and hearing people sitting directly behind talking and then hearing them laugh uncontrollably. Tonight, I will sleep with my sword.

Dead or alive....

...you're coming with me. So how come Robocop never got shot in that little piece of face that shows from underneath his really cool cyborg-cop hat/mask?

Holy Updation Fatman

Fucking hell. So I last posted on Saturday/Early hours of Sunday morning. It is now Tuesday (as I am sure you all know, I just had to think about it) This is just a brief update on what has happened since. I got up on Sunday afternoon and squelched my way down the sodden stairs and gingerly stepped over the pile of saturated towels and bed sheets at the foot of the stairs. Things were scattered all over the place. I felt like a character from one of those cheesy 70s/80s disaster movies, like the Towering Inferno or some shit. My brother sirfaced not long after me. We decided that the preceeding night was not a dream but did in fact happen. It did seem a bit dreamlike the next day. So I went to the funeral on Sunday. It was small. I came home from the funeral and telephone the builder who installed the shower. I was very courteous on the phone and just gave him the facts. He said he would drop in the following morning (Monday) between 11 a.m. and 11.30 so I figured he would arrive at like 2.30 p.m. I was wrong. He got there just after 11 a.m. Impressive.

So this is where it gets interesting. The biblical leak was not his fault. At least it doesn't appear to have been. The shower actually blew a gasket. Yes, I'm not kidding, it actually blew a gasket. I saw it with my own eyes. He is getting a replacement unit and God willing I will be showering again tomorrow evening. I strongly feel thats not going to happen though. I'm pessimmistic like a motherfucker. Yeah, so this was all on Monday morning. Then Monday evening I had to go my dead granaunts removal and today there was the burial. Does anyone know how country funerals work in Ireland? They are quite traditional. In future I don't think I will wear a linen jacket and pink shirt to a removal. I got odd looks and was even ignored. But the funeral is a post for another day. Right now I am absolutely exhausted but have to clean the house. I need a nap. And a fucking shower! Who wants to let me use their shower? I'll bring my own towel and toiletries!

Oh fuck, I forgot the best part of this damn post. So last night I was mega pissed because I had a planned a marathon TV session consisting of two episodes of Lost AND an episode of Miami Vice! Not to mention a mountain of junk food! YES.

NO! Lost didnt record (We have Sky Plus (Like Tivo for those of you don't know)) Miami Vice did but without Lost it was just a mar. So I stay up to watch it and then watch some coverage of this Katrina shit before deciding to go to bed. I bring some stuff out to the kitchen and hear a dripping sound. I tighten the taps. Still dripping. I look for a wet cloth. There is none. I look for wet cutlery or pots/pans. None. Sinking feeling. I look in the cupboard under the sink. Oh yes. A FUCKING LEAK! What is the deal!? A seal connecting our washing machine to the mains line has perished or some shit and is leaking water. It's not overly serious just annoying as fuck. The universe is kicking my ass. Fucking hell. Fuck New Orleans come to my house we have enough death and leaks to go round.

Jesus fucking Christ: Inside Rain.

What a fucking night! Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus! God fucking damn. My brain isn't fucking working I am too stessed and its too motherfucking late. So this evening I went to the cinema with my girlfriend, after that we called in to see some friends of ours then came back to my place. We walked from town, it took about half an hour. It was quite warm and humid so we were both in need of water. I poured out one glass as that was all there was enough for in the filter jug. I refilled the water jug. My dog wanted to go out. I went to the hall and heard this loud rumbling noise from upstairs and went to investigate. There was water absolutely gushing from BEHIND my shower and flowing down the drain. Worrying. A leak then started directly below the shower and a torrent of water began pouring down on to the stairs from the ceiling. Ian panics. Our bathroom was remodelled perhaps five months ago. The builder had pointed out two knobs to me that turn off the water. I frantically twisted both to absolutely no avail. More panic. I phone my brother who isn't overly helpful as he is out with his friends and doesn't fully grasp the magnitude of the leak we are experiencing. I try to find the stopcock for the house. No luck. I try to phone the builder. No luck. It is, however, about 1.30 a.m. More panic. By now it sounds like niagra falls in my bathroom. Numerous pots and roasting dishes are arrayed on the stairs doing battle with the relentless torrent. I remember my neighbour who is the most practical person ever. "Gary! Gary can help me!" I dash out my front door and continue on to my neighbours house. I see a glimmer of light from the landing and ring the doorbell, hoping for the best. I turn around and notice his van isn't there. "Fuck". Then I hear voices and peer through the darkness to see who it is. My other neighbour Rory who is in the Army Reserve and returning from his wifes 40th birthday party. "Aha, all is not lost".

I run down to Rory and inform him of my rather increasing emergency. We dash back to my house and up the stairs. Rory explaining on the way how his friend is a Plumber/Electrician and should be along in a matter of minutes. "YES!". We surmoutn the stairs and arrive in the bathroom. There are many expletives and statements of amazement. "Oh, I have the same unit as that." Do you have a ladder and a torch?" I bound down stairs and return with a ladder then grab a torch from my brothers room. Rory scales the ladder into our atic and does something magical that stop water from gushing through the wall. He climbs down and we discuss the major catastrophe that has just taken place. He reassures me that Brendan will be along soon. I do not handle inside rain very well. Brendan arrives just after my brother and his new girlfriend who I had not met before tonight. Great first impression. Brendan takes a look. The shower is wired wrong and it looks like it is also plumbed in unsatisfactorily. He delivers much sage advice before taking his leave. My mother left this morning for 10 days holidays in Arizona with her sister. I won't be informing her of tonight for the moment. Tomorrow I will verbally rape the builder who installed the shower. It is now 4.20 a.m. I am thoroughly exhausted. I wanted a relatively early night tonight. It was not to be. I am too wrecked to watch Miami Vice and that pisses me off big time. I have to go to a funeral tomorrow and do not have a shower facility. Can you believe this shit? Motherfucker.

So it is now 17.18 on Sunday. Not only did my house nearly float away last night I found out this morning that my great aunt passed away last night also. What a night. It's crazy. So I have to go to a funeral this evening AND tomorrow AND get a builder to fix my house. Its kind of funny. My great aunt was meant to die in July. She didn't. It's now September. I hope I got those genes!

Cabbage

Yeah so its really fucking late. I had way too much coke tonight so I drank a fuck load of water and then pissed like a randy bull. Tonight Rob was a little drunk. He told me. I am pretty uncomfortable, I am sitting on a big pile of clothes as I am too lazy to put them away. Man, Africa is a fucked up place. Well some parts are, at times. And what is it with people taking pictures? Some motherfuckers take fucking photos of everything. Why? It's a waste of fucking effort. You are probably going to see the shit again anyway. Babble. Babble. Babble. Go do something worthwhile with your time. Ponder how you can take steps towards making your life better and contributing to the progress of Humanity.