Jesus fucking Christ: Inside Rain.

What a fucking night! Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus! God fucking damn. My brain isn't fucking working I am too stessed and its too motherfucking late. So this evening I went to the cinema with my girlfriend, after that we called in to see some friends of ours then came back to my place. We walked from town, it took about half an hour. It was quite warm and humid so we were both in need of water. I poured out one glass as that was all there was enough for in the filter jug. I refilled the water jug. My dog wanted to go out. I went to the hall and heard this loud rumbling noise from upstairs and went to investigate. There was water absolutely gushing from BEHIND my shower and flowing down the drain. Worrying. A leak then started directly below the shower and a torrent of water began pouring down on to the stairs from the ceiling. Ian panics. Our bathroom was remodelled perhaps five months ago. The builder had pointed out two knobs to me that turn off the water. I frantically twisted both to absolutely no avail. More panic. I phone my brother who isn't overly helpful as he is out with his friends and doesn't fully grasp the magnitude of the leak we are experiencing. I try to find the stopcock for the house. No luck. I try to phone the builder. No luck. It is, however, about 1.30 a.m. More panic. By now it sounds like niagra falls in my bathroom. Numerous pots and roasting dishes are arrayed on the stairs doing battle with the relentless torrent. I remember my neighbour who is the most practical person ever. "Gary! Gary can help me!" I dash out my front door and continue on to my neighbours house. I see a glimmer of light from the landing and ring the doorbell, hoping for the best. I turn around and notice his van isn't there. "Fuck". Then I hear voices and peer through the darkness to see who it is. My other neighbour Rory who is in the Army Reserve and returning from his wifes 40th birthday party. "Aha, all is not lost".

I run down to Rory and inform him of my rather increasing emergency. We dash back to my house and up the stairs. Rory explaining on the way how his friend is a Plumber/Electrician and should be along in a matter of minutes. "YES!". We surmoutn the stairs and arrive in the bathroom. There are many expletives and statements of amazement. "Oh, I have the same unit as that." Do you have a ladder and a torch?" I bound down stairs and return with a ladder then grab a torch from my brothers room. Rory scales the ladder into our atic and does something magical that stop water from gushing through the wall. He climbs down and we discuss the major catastrophe that has just taken place. He reassures me that Brendan will be along soon. I do not handle inside rain very well. Brendan arrives just after my brother and his new girlfriend who I had not met before tonight. Great first impression. Brendan takes a look. The shower is wired wrong and it looks like it is also plumbed in unsatisfactorily. He delivers much sage advice before taking his leave. My mother left this morning for 10 days holidays in Arizona with her sister. I won't be informing her of tonight for the moment. Tomorrow I will verbally rape the builder who installed the shower. It is now 4.20 a.m. I am thoroughly exhausted. I wanted a relatively early night tonight. It was not to be. I am too wrecked to watch Miami Vice and that pisses me off big time. I have to go to a funeral tomorrow and do not have a shower facility. Can you believe this shit? Motherfucker.

So it is now 17.18 on Sunday. Not only did my house nearly float away last night I found out this morning that my great aunt passed away last night also. What a night. It's crazy. So I have to go to a funeral this evening AND tomorrow AND get a builder to fix my house. Its kind of funny. My great aunt was meant to die in July. She didn't. It's now September. I hope I got those genes!