This is one of my all time favourite pictures.

Two more payments and its mine

Typical Thursday

I dont have a witty story to tell, an imaginative narrative to recount or a rant to embark on. My thursday was pretty normal with two notable exceptions. I have received some incredible, earth trembling e-mail recently. I love getting good e-mail as opposed to the boring stuff that normally appears in my inbox. My friend gave me a lift home in his new BMW today, it's a sweet ride. I love BMW's.

I only had two classes today, in the morning. I wasn't overly annoyed by either class, or by the people present. Probably because there was not many and most people just shut up and did their work.

I have exams soon, it fucking sucks ass. I don't think exams should exist, it would make far more sense if at the end of the year a lecturer held an interview with you. Just chatted about the year, what you have learned and generally get a feel for what you have taken onboard. It would reward the students who struggle to school everdyday, tired or not, hung over or not and would put lazy bastards at a sever disadvantage. Maybe this interview could be supplemented by minor exam so that the people who don't know what the college even looks like still have a chance at passing. What I just said probably doesnt make much sense to anyone but me. Well, I don't care, it made sense to me and thats the important thing, if you require clarification please ask me.

Oh wait, I am fucking pissed about something actually. How the hell did I forget this? I am an avid fan of the topical, politcal drama The West Wing. I think it is the best written, best acted and produced television series in a very long time. Since MacGyver probably.(Obviously this excludes the master piece that is Band of Brothers, as that was a ten episode special event). Well anyway here in uneventful Ireland, The West Wing is shown by the state broadcaster RTE on Thursday nights at 11.15 pm, as you may have realised by now it is Thursday but is the West Wing on? No fucking way! And do you know why? There is some heap of putrid bullshit on about the pope! The fucking pope!

Those of you who have read my previous posts may realise in what regard I hold the pope. After all the damned media coverage he/them have received how the fuck can a whole television be dedicated to the outdated institution? If the pope is so damn infallible what the last one flip flop so much on contraception? If he is fucking infallible surely God would have made his decision to be correct and we would all grow some sort of inbuilt contraceptive device, or a pregnancy sensor that told us when not to do the nasty. Damn, I'm gettin angrier by the second, wheres my damn guitar so I can wail the shit out of it and then go smash some shit with my sword. Fucking pope. This is what my taxes are spent on, shitty TV programmes about some old nazi. Shit, motherfucker.

BIG SPIDER!

I just saw one BIG SPIDER! I was going downstairs to partake of some delicious biscuits, to compliment my blog viewing of course, when the stairs started to tremble and shake. Plaster began to fall from the ceiling, I had to grip the bannister with all my might to keep from falling down like Rob after 4 pints. Then a ghastly, otherworldy shadow was thrown across the wall. A BIG SPIDER trundled into my path. He leveled his 8 eyes at me and demanded "Where are my cookies, boy?". I swallowed my fear and ejected the following reply from deep within my bowls "I don't have any BIG SPIDER cookies, only Ian cookies."

The big bastard wasn't happy. "Where are my damn cookies!?" He exclaimed. I retreated to the relative safety of my stylishly decorated bedroom to obtain my secret weapon which has rested unused for weeks. I lifted it from its place of honour and returned to do battle with the BIG SPIDER. He opened his big, puss filled mouth yet again and began to boom "WHERE ARE MY D........" "I've had just about enough of this shit" I thought to myself. It's time to get maverick on his ass. I unsheathed my glistening celtic short sword and approached the BIG SPIDER. I could see the magnificient reflection in all 8 of his beady, hate filled eyes. As he processed what he was witnessing the hate turned to something else. Pants wetting fear.

He looked down on me and said "You aint got no damn BIG SPIDER cookies, crazy ass bitch." he turned and plunged through the window, and part of the wall, holding 2 of his 6 legs between his other 6 legs. "Use the freakin' door next time you pansy BIG SPIDER!" I shouted after him.

True story.

Annoying cuts.

I have a cut on my thumb, it is neither big nor impressive. It is annoyingly sore. I have no idea how I got it. I sat down to eat dinner, a delightful meal of sweet and sour chicken and was busily transporting forkfull after forkfull of the gastronomic delicacy to my salivating mouth when I noticed something thoroughly disturbing.

At first I thought I had managed to coat a small section of my thumb in the delicious sweet and sour sauce. When I peered at my thumb I was shocked to realise that it wasn't sweet and sour sauce but blood. It was then I noticed the tear in my flesh from which the blood had seeped. "How did that get there?" I pondered to myself. And this is what brings me on to the topic of todays post. Annoying cuts.

I have no idea how that cut got there, I have no recollection of how this wound defiled my thumb, it did not cause me any pain untill I noticed it but now the motherfucker won't stop causing me an unwarranted amount of annoying pain. It catches on things, I pick something up and bam! aching thumb.

I think a cut should have the decency to at least announce itself and give some indication of how much pain and discomfort it is going to cause you over the course of its life. If it the wound is incredibly sore when first received then it should continue like so, becoming incrementally less sore over the its life span. If it mildly sore when first received then that level of pain should characterise its life. If you don't at all feel the wound when it is first received then you should never feel the motherfucker, not fucking once! Damn covert son of a bitch! "Oh look I cut the big bastard without him noticing, time to have some fun!" Sting, sting, sting, burn, burn, bleed bleed, bleed. "OW!, this fucking cut, I'll fucking kill you! You son of a motherless goat" exclaims Ian in retribution for the discomfort the bastard, orphan wound has inflicted on him.

What should I title this?

I have been experiencing some odd urges of late. I see random people on the street, the bus, some ignorant motherfucker in class and I get an almost uncontrollable urge to absolutely beat the shit out of them. It happened on Sunday and on Monday. On sunday I was going to the cinema and there was this scumbag walking past me. I really wanted to grab him, throw him on the ground and begin slamming his dispicable face against the ground.

On Monday some asshole, sitting in the row behind me, was mouthing off about some bullshit. I desperately wanted to reach around, land a punch square in his face, pull over the desk and begin pummeling the shit out of him.

Now I have a bit of a temper but I have found the past few days quite interesting because not only have I wanted to assault random people I also think about it in great detail, graphic and brutal detail. I think I have some pent up aggression of late. I really need to invest in a punching bag. I'd beat the stuffing out of the motherfucker. It would be like Rocky except cooler, more eloquent and Irish.

One of my lecturers was asking the class questions today on a sample questionnaire and what was wrong with it. Everyone who answered was like "Oh well, I think the problem is that blah, blah, blah....." or "Could it be that....." But I was all like "listen to me motherfucker, this is the fucking problem right here boy. Problem, bitch?" Well I can't remember my exact words but it was something along those lines anyway.

My apologies

I realise I have been neglecting this magnificient corner of cyber-space. I apologise. I have a good reason though. I have started another blog in collaboration with some of the most hilarious people in the galaxy so most of my energy is being put into that at the moment. So please visit us there! http://www.johnandpaul.blogspot.com Its worth it, trust me!

Oh and Mitchs ghost, even in death you're funny.

Mitch and old people

So I'm sorry to say Mitch Hedberg passed on last Wednesday, the 30th of March. It really is a great loss to the world of comedy but if the rumours around his death are true (that it was heart failure brought on by a heroine overdose) then it is an awful waste of a life and great talent.

But enough of that melancholy retrospection. I was on the train the other day travelling up to Dublin and ended up sitting opposite an elderly couple, boy was it depressing. "Patrick, wheres my bus pass?", "Is the train packed Patrick?", "Where are we now, Patrick?". Jesus fucking christ! If thats the result of marriage then fuck that I'll remain a bachelor. I felt so bad for Patrick, I mean I was sitting across from that old chick for like two hours and I was sorely tempted to reach across and punch her square in the wrinkled old face. Patrick is either senile, deaf, still madly in love with her or the most patient, non-violent person I have ever come into contact with.

On to the worst old person of them all - The motherfucking pope! What is the fucking deal there? Dude is like 700 years old and still wont quit his job. Most people cant wait to retire and enjoy their old age but this guy has heart failure, septic shock AND a urinary tract infection but still he clings on to both life and his job. I have no problem with religion, in fact many people would consider me to be quite religious but day by day I loose more and more respect for the Catholic Church, it is an outdated man-made institution in the last throws of shameful decay. The sooner the men and women of planet earth unite under one common banner the better.

Right thats my outburst for the moment. Tune in again soon.